I don’t know if it’s the proximity to the Golden Gate Bridge, or just a common phrase, but last week I heard not 1, not 2, but 3 people I’m mentoring tell me, “Well I don’t want to burn bridges.” They were responding to my gentle nudge for them to speak up for what they wanted.

These three people thought that reaching out to someone they didn’t know and asking them for a favor, standing up to a boss, or asking for what they needed to advance in their career would somehow burn a bridge.  My response to their remark was, “The funny thing about bridges is that they go both ways.”

What I meant by that remark was that if someone is going to shoot you down or be unresponsive then do you really want to continue the relationship with them?  The problem is that too often we think that if we reach out to ask someone for a favor they will be annoyed or burdened. It’s because we’re so conditioned to getting rejected or thinking that we’re not good enough. We forget that we also have values to offer to others, which includes or talents, skills, and experience.

As smart and honestly overqualified as the people are that I mentor, their biggest problem isn’t finding a job, or even leveling up in their career. What’s really holding them back is that they don’t understand their own self-worth.

On paper, I have been under-qualified for EVERY job I have applied for.

My first job right out of college was as an R&D Engineer, the job description read something like: 5 years experience or a PhD in Electrical Engineering. Must have experience in ASIC verification.

I didn’t have 5 years experience, nor did I have a PhD, and I sure as heck didn’t know what ASIC verification was (if you’re curious: it’s an application specific integrated circuit). During my interview, I didn’t sit there and feel sorry for myself. I knew my interviewers knew that I had limited abilities and experience. But they were willing to fly me across the country, put me up in a rather nice hotel, take me out to lunch and dinner, and spend the entire day interviewing me, so I figured I must know something. During the interview, I just did the best I could, I answered every question I knew, and mentioned what I didn’t know. That was enough to get the job, and be one of the highest paid engineering graduates back in 2004, when tech was still recovering from it’s previous dot com bubble burst!

Fast forward to 2006, when I started working at Mint. Being a founding engineer meant that I had to interview both my bosses: the director of engineering and the VP of engineering. Clearly these two men had many many years of experience on me. At the time, I didn’t even know what they would do in the roles. But I just marched on up to the white board, and had them solve problems.

In each of these situations, I knew that I had limited capabilities, but it didn’t stop me from trying and reaching out to people. The biggest thing I had going for me was knowing that sometime before I had been presented with a challenge, and had figured out a way to tackle it.

And yes rejection is part of the game.  They way in which someone rejects you is important.  If they don’t respond at all or are overly harsh, then you’re better of not working with them or for them.

So instead of second guessing your own abilities, take the time to quiet your mind, and let your mouth do the talking. Know that you have something to offer, and if people want to reject you, give them the freedom to reject you.  And know that you also have the freedom to pursue other opportunities.  Don’t hold yourself back by coming up with some excuse like, “I don’t want to burn bridges.”