By Poornima Vijayashanker
Have you ever had a day, a week, or possibly even a month where all your best efforts are ignored, and instead people point to you for failures? Well I’ve certainly felt that way many times! Everything I do pisses people off at work and at home, even when I don’t act with a malicious intent.
Whether you’re a leader or an individual contributor there will come a time in your life where you may make a mistake or something unintended will happen. Instead of people praising you for taking a chance you’ll feel like they’re attacking you.
You might have already experienced this!
Instinctively, you may think that it’s the right time to retaliate or defend yourself. However, in my experience it only heightens people’s emotions.
I want to share a few strategies for how I typically handle such moments in my life.
Give people the benefit of the doubt.
If you barely know the person, then you have to take the time to understand why you’ve pissed them off.
Conflict is bound to happen between people. It’s how you choose to acknowledge and deal with it that strengthens the relationship. If there is an issue and there hasn’t been one before, then take this as an opportunity to set some standards of communication and conduct. This will help you understand each other going forward, and agree to how you will resolve issues in the future.
However, if this is a long-standing relationship where you feel you’ve done your best time and time again, and you’re still under attack, then it might be best to diplomatically end the relationship. I know this is hard, but sometimes it’s necessary to avoid unhealthy and continuous conflicts.
Own up to your mistakes.
Even though I intended no harm, it’s hard for people to understand that, especially if they’re already stressed or barely know me. Instead of absolving myself of any guilt or pleading the fifth, I just acknowledge my mistakes and explain how I will fix the situation going forward.
They key is that you have to follow your fix!
Some may say that it feels like I’m giving the other person the upper hand, but at least to me it’s not about who wins or loses. It’s about moving the dialogue forward. You cannot do that if you’re stonewalling someone or being dismissive.
However, once again if this is a long-standing relationship where the other person has a need to be right and cast you in a bad light every time you make a mistake, then it’s clearly not a good situation to be in.
They should be willing to come halfway, accept your apology, and want to move forward.
Highlight your decision making.
People are quick at finding fault when they feel like you’re acting erratically, even if you internally have reasons.
I know that in our fast-paced work culture we don’t feel like there is time to stop and provide justification for our actions or decisions, but I’ve found that when I do take the time to explain myself it gives people a chance to see that I am putting thought into my actions.
I know this is especially important in situations where I’m unsure of the outcome.
I’ve also found that it develops a solid understanding where people are less likely to doubt you in the future.
Know that not everyone feels that way about you.
One of my friend’s Lily once gave me some great advice, she told me that whenever someone gets pissed off at her she stops and asks herself, “Does everyone feel this way about me?”
No.
Then the world really isn’t against you!
Of course it’s natural to feel crappy. I know I do, and the sting can last for awhile. To help myself get through it I hit the yoga mat and bake! The combination of exercise and the aroma of cookies is enough to lift my spirits and help me move forward.
What are your strategies for dealing with people when you’re attacked? I’d love to learn from you, please let me know in the comments below!
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