Why we are especially hard on ourselves on holidays
By Poornima Vijayashanker The holidays are around the corner, which means spending time with good friends and family sharing meals. But it can also be …
By Poornima Vijayashanker
The holidays are around the corner, which means spending time with good friends and family sharing meals. But it can also be a pretty stressful time for many.
One reader Meredith, recently wrote in to share what she’s going through, and I thought many of you would find it valuable.
Meredith wrote:
Hi Poornima
Thanks for sharing your strategies for speaking up. They have helped me get through some challenging moments at work, but now I need help at home.
To give you a little background, I’ve spent the last year working for a startup. I love it! I’ve learned a lot. And while we’re not a huge success things are going well. I have a great income, and work with a very fun and supportive team.
Back to my situation at home…
I’m flying home soon to visit my family for Thanksgiving. I’m worried that when I go home my family is going to judge me for uprooting myself from the East Coast to move out West to pursue a dream that may or may not pan out.
I’m dreading every conversation that has to do with me and my startup.
To make matters worse, my older sister is a HUGE success! She is part of the reason I decided to move out West. I needed to stop feeling like I was in her shadow.
Marie went to HBS, lives in DC, has two kids, a consulting career that has let her buy a McMansion and fancy cars. She’s basically got it all!
While I’m just getting started.
I don’t think my parents understand the work I do or why I want to work for a startup. They probably just think their daughter is crazy.
Well I don’t know if they think that. But one of my aunts did actually call me crazy for moving, and said that my startup was probably going to fail.
I don’t know what to say to anybody at Thanksgiving. I just want to sit in the corner and drown myself in gravy…
Please save me from drowning myself in gravy,
Meredith
Meredith’s feelings are natural.
While the holidays are a time for celebration, they can also be a time when emotions run high.
A comment that compares us or is condescending might initially make us angry. When the anger subsides, we wonder if there was any truth to the comment.
Often it’s not even what someone says but their presence, like Meredith’s older sister Marie. Marie being at Thanksgiving dinner might cause Meredith to feel inadequate.
And that’s when our beloved inner critic pays us a visit and starts to say things like: “You’re not good enough…”
In my first reply back to Meredith, I asked her if her parents had ever said anything unsupportive about her move or her career. Meredith said that they hadn’t, but was worried that they might share her aunt’s sentiment.
I then replied to Meredith and recommended she do the following.
Recognize story from reality
Meredith had made up a story about how her parents felt. They had actually never said or done anything to be unsupportive.
I recommended that before she adds more to the story or keeps replaying it in her head, she takes time to talk to them alone. Asking them how they feel, and if they had any concerns about her moving and working for a startup.
Stop the comparison competition
I asked Meredith if Marie was ever boastful about her success. Meredith said that Marie doesn’t boast about her success, and actually lent her some money to make the move out West.
Again Meredith needs to recognize that she is both the challenger and contender in the comparison competition. While her sister, Marie has accomplished a lot, and has things that show her success, it’s important for Meredith recognize how far she has come in her career and life.
It’s important for Meredith to start showing herself some compassion.
Treat yourself with kindness
I recently met Courtney Ferrell at a conference I was speaking at on the East Coast. Courtney was the emcee. Courtney has a knack for empowering people to believe in themselves. While I was at the conference, she told me how before she speaks she walks into the bathroom, looks at herself in the mirror and says, “Hello beautiful!”
Once there was another woman standing next to Courtney watching as she spoke to herself. Courtney turned to the woman, gave her a sly smile, and just through her body language the woman realized that she had received an OK from Courtney.
A moment later, the woman overcame her hesitation, had a big smile on her face and said, “Hello beautiful!”
I told Meredith the story and gave her a small to do: figure out what her positive statement to herself was going to be right before Thanksgiving dinner.
As silly as they might feel or be, they work! And if you don’t believe, I encourage you to come up with one and try it out at least a handful of times.
Set boundaries for what is and isn’t acceptable
Finally, there is the aunt who uttered the mean-spirited comment. Meredith needs to set some boundaries of what is and isn’t OK. This can feel very confrontational but it doesn’t have to be.
I recommended to Meredith that she start by saying something like, “It’s OK to say that you’re concerned about me moving 3000 miles away from my family and working for a startup that may or may not succeed. But it’s not OK to call me crazy, when I did my homework before the move. And to say that my startup is going to fail.”
I realize that these are difficult conversations to be having with people you love, especially when you’re not sure how they will react.
As much as we’d like to distance ourselves and our thoughts of them, it will inevitably show up as our inner critic.
So as challenging as it maybe to recognize and rumble, it’s work that needs to be done to move forward and enjoy our lives.
If you’ve experienced a similar situation to Meredith’s and would be open to sharing how you handled it please leave me a note in the comments below.
If you’re in the US I wish you and your loves ones a very happy Thanksgiving! I’m off to celebrate in Finland 😉
Much of this post was inspired by my reading and studying Brene Brown over the past year. If you’d like to learn more I highly recommend checking out her TED talk: The power of vulnerability and adding her book: Rising Strong to your holiday reading list.
