We’re presented with dichotomies to make it easy for us to make a choice. We don’t have to expend extra mental energy evaluating both options, because our mind has been presented with a clear alternative, one where we can quickly assume the tradeoff we’re making.
Dichotomies are helpful when the choice is simple.
Like when it comes to choosing brands….
Coke or Pepsi?
Jif or Skippy?
When it comes to life, it seems like we’re presented with the same two choices…
…brains or beauty?
…health or wealth?
…a stable relationship or a passionate one?
…flexible work hours or more pay?
…a job you’re passionate about or a job that pays the bills?
Why do we want life choices to be simple?
Black or white?
Because gray causes us to feel uncertain. Uncertainty makes decision making hard. It leaves us feeling anxious. Anxious about how the choice will play out.
It also takes time.
Time makes it seems like we’re being indecisive.
Time makes us feel like we’re behind others.
What would happen if we took an extra step?
What if instead of making the choice based on the alternative we deliberated for a bit?
What if we asked why only one alternative is being presented?
What if we dug into the alternative exposing whether or not it will mean we have to forgo the former?
What if we even tried out a number of alternatives?
Sure people would judge us.
They’d call us flaky, indecisive, or noncommittal.
They’d say: “You haven’t got all day!”
They’d say: “Life is short!”
But then they’d also expect us to choose carefully and wisely, wouldn’t they?
And there’s that dichotomy again!
How are we to choose quickly and wisely?
Why are we giving them a say in our lives anyway?
Why are we deferring our own judgment to others?
Is it because they’re older and wiser? Is it because we value their opinion? Is it because we’re worried about them judging us?
Again uncertainty rears its ugly head. It’s easy to defer when we don’t know. It’s easy to take someone else’s word for it.
And if it doesn’t turn out the way we had imagined, we can always blame them, right?
Ha! If only…
Ultimately, we’re held responsible for the decisions we make, no matter who influences us.
It’s OK to rely on others, but it’s also OK to use our own experiences.
Our experiences and their outcomes guide our gut and help us develop an intuition.
But, when we’re presented with something new, we can’t always rely on our gut or intuition to step in and make the call. They feel stuck. They need time.
And if we make a decision quickly it leads us to question if we made the right decision.
We wonder:
Did we choose the right person to befriend?
Did we choose the right career?
Did we choose the right job?
Did we choose the right place to work?
It’s OK to question our choices, and to re-evaluate them.
We’re choosing if they align with our values.
And that seems to be the fundamental issue.
We’re not sure what our values our in the moment. We may be re-evaluating them. Or we are but we’re afraid to assert them.
Are we always stuck with the decisions we make?
We feel like we are when the decisions we make involve others. When we know we’ll hurt their feelings, change the course of their lives, and our own.
But sometimes even when we choose wisely, carefully, sh*t happens that is out of our control.
We have to be OK with that and choose what to do next.
So maybe the real choice is knowing yourself enough to make a choice in the moment, and having the courage to change your mind later on?
