Most people know that I’m always pushing myself with crazy challenges, loads of travel, and of course the work I love doing at Femgineer. But that doesn’t stop friends, family, and a few frenemies from giving me feedback on what they think I should be doing.
You’ve probably experienced this too 😉
I used to take all their feedback to heart.
Mull over it day in and day out.
Figure out ways to incorporate it.
Work tirelessly to change my business, my life, and myself.
Sometimes the feedback was really helpful, other times it led me astray.
I finally realized I need to learn how to filter helpful from unhelpful, so I went in search of how to filter feedback.
This past Sunday I shared some of my thoughts on Twitter, and from the positive feedback I received, decided to dive deeper in this week’s post.
What is “good” feedback?
I don’t think it’s appropriate to classify feedback as good or bad. I find it’s better to classify it as helpful versus unhelpful feedback.
So let’s talk about what is helpful feedback.
First, it doesn’t have to be positive, it can be critical, and it may actually sting.
You know feedback is helpful when it’s immediate; you just did something like gave a presentation or shared your designs with your team, and people provide you feedback on it.
The reason it’s helpful for people to give you feedback immediately is because you just completed an action, and it’s fresh in your mind.
If someone were to give you feedback on a presentation you gave two days or two weeks ago, you probably wouldn’t remember all the details. We also have a way of altering our own stories as we recall them. You might have forgotten all those “um’s” and “uh’s” or whether you missed covering a crucial topic for a customer because no one said anything.
You also know feedback is helpful when the giver provides concrete examples like, “In that presentation you just gave, you forgot to address the customer’s needs about X.”
The don’t speak in generalities like, “Sometimes when you give presentations to customers, you forget to address their needs.”
What needs?!
And they don’t speak in absolutes, “You’re ALWAYS forgetting to address the customer’s needs.”
While you thinking you only did it once…
Speaking in generalities or absolutes is vague feedback, and since it’s vague it can be easily dismissed.
You’ll know when someone is giving you helpful feedback when they tell you they are going to give you feedback.
Feedback can blindside people, especially when it’s preceded by too much praise or when it’s not timely.
Blindsiding doesn’t help anyone. Someone providing useful feedback will also be prepared for the receiver’s response.
It’s especially important to let people know you’re giving them candid feedback if you suspect they aren’t self-aware already.
Helpful feedback providers will make sure people take notice.
There are some who don’t want to initially accept candid feedback because they may be hearing this for the first time or think it’s minor.
To get people to take notice, helpful feedback givers will provide a consequence for dismissing the feedback, highlight the impact a person’s actions have on others and the environment, and the cost of delaying action.
The giver’s intentions are clear and they give you the benefit of the doubt. They may take the time to say something like, “I know you care about meeting our customer’s needs, which is why I’m giving you this feedback. In the customer presentation this afternoon, I noticed you didn’t set aside time to talk about their needs about X. When you don’t set aside time to talk about a customer’s needs, it can make them feel unheard.”
You’re probably wondering what does it take to provide helpful and candid feedback?
One key ingredient to providing helpful and candid feedback is establishing a rapport that is trustworthy.
If you want to provide helpful & candid feedback, it’s best to start by establishing a relationship. Providing candid feedback without a rapport is seen as intrusive and incredible.
The reason people often react negatively to feedback that is critical is because they question the giver’s credibility and intentions.
But when you have established a trustworthy rapport and someone gives you feedback, you know they are most likely coming from a place of caring.
What to do when you’re blindsided.
We all wish that people would do the above. Chalk it up to the curse of knowledge.
If someone provides feedback that is untimely, vague, and has a caustic tone, it’s still on us as the receiver to manage our reaction.
Start by making sure you understand it.
It helps to repeat the words verbatim, with no tone, even asking the giver, “Did I hear you say… <fill in with their exact words>?”
Sometimes the feedback giver will agree to the wording, other times they’ll realize it might not have come out correctly.
But it’s important to give them a chance to affirm their feedback before you react to it.
Reacting before understanding the feedback fully comes off as defensive.
In the last episode of FemgineerTV on practicing creative confidence, Maria Molfino highlighted three key strategies for filtering feedback:
- Is this person close to me? Meaning if it’s an internet troll, move on.
- Is this person credible? If the person doesn’t have a background or some level of expertise in what they’re providing you feedback in, filter it out.
- Is this person my key audience? If the person providing you feedback is not in your key audience, it’s OK to acknowledge it and mention why the thing you are working on is not for them.
Understand why you’re reacting.
I’d also recommend understanding what causes you to react to feedback quickly.
There are a few triggers such as:
- Having a fixed mindset where you believe you are born with all the talents you currently have and that’s it. As opposed to a growth mindset where you know you can improve upon your skills and helpful feedback will help you get to the next level.
- A close relationship with the giver such as a family member or friend who might always be giving you unsolicited feedback.
- Questioning their intentions or motives behind providing such feedback, because you don’t have a trustworthy relationship.
It’s OK to pushback.
If you receive feedback that you feel is unhelpful or you just don’t have the bandwidth to process it, then it’s OK to acknowledge it, and explain while you’re holding off.
“I only have 15 minutes to give this presentation to a customer. Can you tell me what are 1-2 needs that you see them bring up consistently that I should address, and help me take out what isn’t as important?”
“The designs you saw on my computer aren’t complete, which is why I haven’t sent them over for you to review. They are a work in progress. When I’ve completed them, I’ll send them over for you to review and provide me feedback. Is that clear?”
Get confirmation on the pushback.
It’s not enough to just pushback, you also need to make sure they are in full agreement. And just like good feedback givers provide consequences, receivers also need to provide consequences.
“When you provide feedback on my designs before they are complete, you’re providing feedback on a part, not the entire workflow. And if I incorporate that feedback before the entire workflow is designed, the design may not be a coherent customer experience. Please let me complete the entire design, I’ll be sure to do on time as you requested, and then I’ll ask you for feedback once I have completed the entire design. Will that work for you?”
Much of my learnings have come from years of trial and error. I’d recommend saving yourself the agony I went through by reading Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, as well as watching this previous episode of FemgineerTV with Kim Scott where we dig into her Radical Candor Framework.
Now I’d like to know when was the last time you either gave or received feedback, and what was one thing you learned from that experience? Let me know in the comments below!
