By Poornima Vijayashanker
I’ve talked about the importance of setting guilt-free goals, and received a number of wonderful or responses from readers thanking me for the simple strategies and sharing their approaches to goal-setting. One reader, Barbara, brought up a very interesting addition that I’d like to share with you all: avoid making resolutions based on other people’s expectations of you.
As I was reading Barbara’s email to me, I was reminded of a show I’ve been watching this year, Scandal. In the pilot, the leading lady, Olivia Pope, reveals her personal mantra in this famous quote, “I trust my gut, and my gut is what?” “Never wrong.”
Olivia Pope trusts her gut and it doesn’t lead her astray, but many of us might not be as headstrong as Olivia. Instead, our self-doubt gives family members, teachers, close friends, or business partners the license to provide us with unsolicited advice in the form of directing our goals and dreams. This ultimately sets expectations for us, under the guise of knowing us and thinking that that somehow automatically translates into knowing what will make us happy and feel fulfilled. While they are coming from a place of love and caring, their expectations are often based on social norms, which may actually limit us!
Over the week I sat down to write out a list of all the things I have pursued using my own judgment, bucking other people’s expectations and artificially set limitations.
An engineering degree. The dean at my engineering school was really reluctant to admit me half way through my college career. But I didn’t have the money to pursue a 5th year. This was my first lesson in changing directions, and finishing a project on time and within a budget!
Debate in high school. My dad was really opposed to letting me fly all over the country for public speaking. He didn’t see the value in it, and preferred that I stay at home to study math and science. It’s taken me awhile, but nearly 13 years later, I’m putting those skills to good use in building my business!
You cannot grow a business while sleeping 8 hours nightly, doing yoga daily, and traveling around the world! I’ve always craved freedom and flexibility in my career, but I knew that it would take sometime to achieve both. When I left Palo Alto, CA earlier this year, many people people doubted my ability to stay focused and continue to grow my business. But, what they didn’t know was that I had made a strong commitment to myself: to discover how to derive profits from passion and do it on my own terms through bootstrapping.
In pursuing each of these goals I had to overcome an immense amount of resistance and negativity. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Poornima, to hell with them! Just do what you want!”
But for many of us it isn’t by any means easy to oppose people, especially ones who love and respect us. And often times we need help and support! So what do you do?
Are you going at it alone or bringing someone along?
On Sunday I sat down to have brunch with another entrepreneur, who is a friend of mine. He mentioned that his wife was initially really resistant to him starting a business. They were newlyweds and she worried about their financial stability. But then he took the time to explain to her how he had come up with a plan for keeping their finances in line, and promised to not stray from the plan. Over the last year he has kept his word, and as a result his wife doesn’t doubt or question him or his entrepreneurial dreams. In their case, the plan and it’s adherence to it is a sign of mutual respect. The wife respects my friend’s entrepreneurial dreams and my friend respect’s his wife’s desires for financial stability.
Sometimes you have to present those who may be pessimistic with a plan and then respect the plan.
Show them results!
Despite being in debate, I couldn’t muster up the arguments needed to plead my case with my dad to fund the activity. But I eventually figured out what would get him to fund it, trophies! Each one was symbol of achievement to my dad. Every time I’d bring one home, which was pretty much every tournament, he couldn’t say anything.
But what happens if you cannot always deliver results? Aren’t you now setting their expectations? Yes! Which is why you have to gain supporters who can calm the nay-sayers.
Yes there would be times that I’d come home trophy-less, but I learned how to manage that expectation too. I told my debate coach my situation at home. My debate coach agreed to help out. She sat down with my parents, and explained the benefits of getting into college by me pursuing an activity like debate in addition to my studies. She leveraged her own set of results: a list of her students, who had gotten into great colleges because of the skills and talented cultivated through debate.
Distinguish those who are truly concerned from undercutters.
Undercutters get in the way of your progress, they make you doubt yourself and your dreams constantly. They may even question if you’re making “enough” progress. Their sole motivation in life is to make themselves feel better by making you feel bad. Recognize and stay away from such people! You cannot change them or convince them of our path. Those who care and show concern will eventually come around, and sometimes it takes several rounds of conversations to make them feel comfortable. But undercutters will just remain as their are.
Remember its OK to have your own standards and buck other people’s expectations. After all, while others claim to know what is best for you, you are ultimately the one living your life and dealing with the consequences of your decisions. It’s better to invest the time introspecting and learning what you love to do, than following someone else’s provincial path out a sense of obligation or fear.
I’d love to know if you’ve recently had to challenge other people’s expectations of you and how you dealt with them?
