Testing Traditions
I come from a culture that reveres degrees, status, and tradition. While I think those things are important, they just aren’t important to me. When I was 10 I told my mom I wasn’t going to have an arranged marriage, her response: “We’ll see.” We are still seeing… At 18 I told my pious parents I was an atheist and they thought it was just a phase. I wasn’t a particularly troublesome teen, most people would have called me a goody goody. But my parents thought I had a lot of angst because I challenged their way of life and thinking.
While my mom has switched over to the dark side (my side), my dad still tries to fight me on things like going to business school, getting married, and following a traditional path of climbing the social and corporate ladder. However hard I try its just not in my nature to be traditional. I dislike rules and regulations, which is why I constantly cut class in high school, but no one knew because I graduated valedictorian. To me life is about mixing adventure and success. I love to get things done and plan to accomplish more in my life, but its gotta be on my own time and dime.
I meet a lot of other first generation Indian girls who are younger than me, I see the conflict in their face. They want to please but also get their way. The minute they open their mouth and say: “My parents want…” I stop and take a deep breathe, my response is: “Figure out what you want first.”
But in order to be truly free and make your own decisions you have to break a free cords. The first is the financial one. After graduating I never asked my parents for a dime, in fact I paid for almost half of my college education, and it wasn’t cheap. The second is approval. This is harder to do, because we all want validation. To me approval is important but after you’ve achieved, not while you’re making a decision. Most people have parents that support them in every endeavor. My dad was opposed to me joining Mint from the beginning. But I didn’t care, its what I wanted to do, and now he gets it.
My wish is to someday have children who will challenge me. After all don’t you want kids who are smarter and more successful than you?
Great post! Definitely shows a culture shift and a new way of thinking. Despite the hardships and mistakes along the way, sounds like the outcome thus far has been very rewarding
Reading this makes it sound like you’re talking about my family as well. I’m originally from the former soviet union (Ukraine to be specific) and we moved to the states in the early 90’s. My family’s thinking generally aligns with what you described about your parents (minus the marriage part). Its taken a few verbal arguments here and there and time, but I think my parents are understanding as to where I’m coming from now. I recently picked up and moved to San Francisco (3 weeks ago); so that kind of sped up the process
This is a great story — I hope young people out there read it and are emboldened.
Also, I’m sure this analogy has been made before, but it struck me how sometimes parents are like VCs (bad ones, anyway):
– Most are conservative and strongly encourage you to follow the traditions and buy into the myths of a happy/successful life/company.
– There’s a generation gap between you and them (measured in Internet years for VCs!).
– Some try controlling you with the money they’ve given you.
– When the environment is rough and unpredictable, they’re forced to have a portfolio strategy and prefer some of their young over others and sell off or starve the ones who don’t have good prospects.
– In some places, there’s a culture of arranged marriages/acquisitions.
– Happily, there are a few enlightened ones who give you full latitude to succeed or fail on your own terms and give you guidance with sufficient humility to realize that maybe the child has discovered a better way.
Your story on life has obvious implications to running a business.
John,
Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed it! You’re right it does parallel business. The theme is to be brave and avoid succumbing to the pressure of an authority figure when you know what is best for your life/company, which is hard to do when you’re young and inexperienced. Parents and VCs have the experience, but sometimes you just have trust gut. Being under the gun of someone else’s money does limit your freedom or at least makes you think twice. Thats why I believe in bootstrapping a business and being self-made. Not everyone has that luxury, but when you take a bounty you have to set boundaries.
Vladik,
Yes you’re right most first generation immigrant children have to deal with having a different philosophy from their parents. Glad to hear that you’re willing to have those ‘verbal arguments’! Some people are just too scared to even go down that path, but its basically standing up for yourself, which you’ll have to do with parents, spouses, and bosses. Why not start doing it with the people who know you and love you the most. Welcome to the Bay Area!
Justin,
Thanks! Lots of mistakes, arguments, and rough times… but its after all your life and you’ve only got one!
Wow…great that you’re sharing this so openly. I think just about every Indian girl I’ve ever met has had this “double life” thing going on with their parents, sounds like you’re more open with them about it. I’ve always said (only half jokingly) that ya’ll would make great spies (Jane Smith style) since you’ve been training for it since birth practically!
I like sharing, and I’m pretty open about everything. I can’t live a “double life” one life is hard enough, but it would be fun to be a spy Sidney Bristow style
In general its about being honest with people, and applying that same standard to your parents. At this point in my life my parents are just people, but deserve more because they took the time to raise me. They deserve and should want to know what I’m thinking and feeling, even if it conflicts with their views.